2007 Oscars Running Diary
26 02 2007The 2007 Oscars Running Diary-
8:30- The Oscars begin. Last year they started at 8 and ended at 11:30. I guess not running ridiciously late was a problem so they had to push it back 30 minutes.
8:30- Instead of beginning with a big spoof of all the movies to bring the host out, we get a look at all the nominees filmed by Errol Morris. I dig.
8:30- Peter O’Toole gets the first great line of the night as he talks about never winning.
8:31- Abigail Breslin is really using up her cuteness charm. It will be only a short while till she’s downgraded from cute to annoying.
8:33- While this look at the nominees is cute, no one knows who the hell these people are.
8:35- Peter O’Toole’s face makes it obvious that he knows he’s losing. Poor guy.
8:36- And out comes Ellen DeGeneres. She was acclaimed for hosting the Oscars after 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina. Now she’s here to help us recover from Anna Nicole Smith’s death.
8:36- And her first joke…..eh.
8:38- Ellen talks about Penelope Cruz being nominated and then talks about how great it is for Mexico to get all these nominates. Penelope Cruz is from Spain.
8:39- It is obvious that Ellen is very nervous at this point, at which time I make my case that Steve Martin should host every year.
8:40- They cut to Jack Nicholson, giving us Jack closeup #1. He’s also shaved his head. It doesn’t work as it just makes him look old.
8:41- Am I allowed to criticize a 10-year-old’s dress? Because Abigail Breslin’s dress is awful.
8:41- They cut to Peter O’Toole, who already looks drunk.
8:43- Ellen mentions Steve Carrell, and they cut to him with a hilarious facial expression. He owned the Oscars last year with his bit with Will Ferrell, and he’s doing it again this year.
8:43- Ellen makes a joke about blacks, gays and Jews. We cut to Will Smith (black), Portia DeRossi (gay) and Clint Eastwood, who is not Jewish. Well they were 2-3.
8:44- Reason #4832 the Oscars run so long: For no reason, a choir comes out to sing about being nominated.
8:45- And the Oscars begin with Nicole Kidman, with a hideous bow in her dress. I hate Nicole Kidman. Not off to a good start.
8:45- The Oscars break with tradition by not presenting Supporting Actor/Actress first. They did this to increase ratings. This is stupid as the best way to get people hooked on the show is to present a major award first.
8:46- Nicole Kidman says “and the winner is” instead of “and the Oscar goes to” just showing how useless she is. The reason they say is because saying the winner is implies that there are losers….and there are no losers at the Oscars.
8:47- So while this guy is accepting his award, Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman are making small talk in the back. Not rude at all!
8:48- Maggie Gyllenhaal comes out to present the technical awards, which is usually held to later on in the show. Of course, no one cares either way. My favourite part about this is that the actress they always pick to present this never hides their boredom.
8:48- Random observation while watching Maggie Gyllenhaal. During the pre-show, her boyfriend Peter Sarsgaard looked way to smug about the fact that he was dating Maggie. While Maggie’s decent looking, she’s not attractive enough for Peter to attempt to rub our face in it.
8:49- We get a random interpretive dance number. I love the Oscars.
8:53- Will Ferrell and Jack Black’s song is hilarious. Of course, Will Ferrell and Jack Black have both done dramatic roles in the past.
8:55- They cut to Peter O’Toole who doesn’t look like he understands what’s going on.
8:55- A cameo appearance by John C. Reilly??? Awesome
8:58- One good thing about all the Spanish people winning, it gives us a chance to hear them try to pronounce Academy.
8:59- Abigail Breslin, age 10, and Jaden Smith, 8 are out to present an Oscar. This has bad idea written all over it.
8:59- The camera cuts to Jada Pinkett Smith, who is crying. Jada, your son is PRESENTING an Oscar, he didn’t WIN an Oscar.
9:00- Jaden manages to say the word nuts without cracking up. You’re a better man then I am Jaden.
9:01- As predicted, Jaden messes up by reading the wrong line before he presents an award. He’s so getting beat up at the playground for that.
9:02- The winner for animated short film is chewing gum while accepting her speech. Class.
9:05- Jack Nicholson cloeseup #2.
9:05- The guy who wins for short films gives us a pretentious speech about how hard it is to make a short film as if anyone cares. This prompts this exchange-Someone: He’s right, we really shouldn’t ignore the short films. They work hard too. Me: Oh come on, are you ever going to see a short film in your life? Someone: No.
9:05- The short film guy uses the word stick-to-itiveness.
9:05- Dictionary.com sayeth-stick-to-it·ive·ness (stĭk-tōō’ĭ-tĭv-nĭs) Pronunciation Key
n. Informal
Unwavering pertinacity; perseverance: “You’ve got to have reasonable goals and the stick-to-itiveness to get there” (J. Robert Buchanan).
9:11- Ellen DeGeneres apologises for implying Penelope Cruz is Mexican. Unfortunately, she does not apologise for Mr. Wrong.
9:11- The Academy does a tribute to…..sound. Alrighty.
9:13- This tribute to sound might be the most awful thing ever.
9:14- Presenting an award, Steve Carell again manages to steal the show. He needs to host next year.
9:14- Every year they do the same joke where they goof on the importance of sound, and then they cut off the sound for the presenter. When will people realize that no matter how times they make that joke….no one will care.
9:17- Two people win for Best Sound Editing for Letters from Iwo Jima. The first guy to speak goes on for so long, that the other guy gets cut off to keep the show moving. They just did a three minute tribute to sound! Let the guy speak!
9:17- James McAvoy is rocking that Scottish accent. You know what, that accent is so awesome, that I’m going to call it a brogue.
9:19- Three people win for mixing the sound to Dreamgirls. How do they decide who gets to speak?
9:19- The guy who did the sound for Apocolypto has apparently gone 0-19 at the Oscars. Come on! It’s SOUND mixing. Nobody cares! Just give it to the poor guy already.
9:20- The designated speaker gives his speech and they play them off. But the other sound mixer will not be denied, and makes sure to get his two cents in.
9:21- Our first major award of the night…Best Supporting Actor. This gives me a chance to promote Rachel Weisz’s hotness. Everyone in the room agrees.
9:21- Eddie Murphy looks like he’s about to cry…before they present the award. If he wins, he will be the first SNL castmember to win an Oscar. He will also be the first person to win an Oscar after being picked up for soliticting a transsexual prostitute.
9:21- Rachel Weisz runs through the nominees and their performances….and then announces the nominees again.
9:23- Alan Arkin wins! I figured this would be the category where the Academy picked an upset winner just to have an upset winner, but he wasn’t even the best Supporting Actor in Little Miss Sunshine!
9:23- Wow, Eddie Murphy looks like he might kill himself. I bet he regrets doing Norbit now!
9:24- Alan Arkin’s speech is so boring that they cut to his Oscar.
9:25- We start debating whether Martin Scorsese gets his eyebrows coloured.
9:26- Just what the Oscars needs…more interpretive dancing. I know people said this was kind of cool, and it was impressive, but given how long the show goes, this could’ve been easily cut out.
9:31- As much as I rag on the Academy for their awful montages, these packages they put together for the Best Picture nominees are great.
9:34- Melissa Ethridge is out to sing her song about global warming. I can’t take global warming seriously when it’s been so cold out.
9:36- Al Gore is out to talk. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9:38- Al Gore really has no comic timing.
9:38- They cut to Peter O’Toole, who is rocking the horrible British teeth.
9:42- According to Leonardo DiCaprio and Gore, the Oscars are going “green” this year. Of course they never actually say what that means. And anyway, how can you say the Oscars are going “green” with all those limos there? I hate the Oscars.
9:42- Everyone in the room looks at me as I tell people that Al Gore has no write to be so heavyhanded about global warming, when he himself is one of the leading polluters. He flies all over the world and is driven everywhere. This uses up a lot of energy and pollution. Plus, as Vice President- you work a lot of hours, which means you use up a lot of electricity. AND I read that Al Gore’s mansion in Tennessee uses up huge amounts of energy. Come on Mr. Gore, shouldn’t we be conserving those natural resources? So there you have it- Al Gore: Cause of Global Warming.
9:43- Jack closeup #3.
9:43- Cameron Diaz looks really rough. Bad dress, bad tan and that ugly brown hair. She is not taking the breakup with Justin well.
9:45- Ben Affleck is here and the cameras miss the chance to cutaway to J-Lo. Come on!
9:46- A montage…..to writers? They’re really running out of ideas for a montage.
9:46- Apparently, all writers are alcoholics who smoke cigarettes and suddenly have big ideas that cause them to rush to their typewriters. That’s what this montage taught me.
9:51- The announcer says the Departed was adapted from a Japanese movie. Infernal Affairs was a movie made in Hong Kong, Mr. Announcer man.
9:52- Jack closeup #4.
9:54- Jack closeup #5. I hate his bald head.
10:00- The stars of the Devil Wears Prada (Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway) are out to present the award for Best Costume Design. This means the Devil Wears Prada should win.
10:00- Meryl Streep’s death stare….awesome.
10:01- Emily Blunt’s hair is darker then it was in the Devil Wears Prada. This prompts a spirited debate between me and one of my friends over whether hair looks better now or in the movie. (Spoiler alert: In the movie)
10:03- Marie Antoinette wins for Best Costume Design, not the Devil Wears Prada. Then what the hell was the point of having them present anyway? The whole point is that the girls can sound all excited, they have a nice moment with the costume designer who won and it’s just a feel good moment. Instead, Hathaway and Blunt announce Marie Antoinette like they found out their dog died. Also, Kirsten Dunst, the star of Marie Antoinette is here. Why not have her present it? I hate the Oscars.
10:04- How can win the winner for Best Costume Design look so awful?
10:05- Hide Lord Xenu- Tom Cruise is here!
10:05- Even better then that, it’s Pointless Lifetime Achievement Award time!
10:06- The award goes to Shelley Lansing. About 10 people know who she is. Here’s my problem with this: No one knows who this woman is, and no one cares. No one will remember she won 10 minutes after her speech. So why waste everyone’s time with pointless filler? The show runs brutally long already, so why not have a dinner in her honour and spare everyone the time of watching this.
10:06- So we get a montage of this woman’s career and they talk about the “classics” she helped produce. Apparently, The General’s Daughter and Runaway Bride are now considered classics.
10:09- Nobody cares about Shelley Lansing, which gives us time for some random closeups!
10:11- Funny moment as Ellen goes to do a bit with Clint Eastwood and asks for a picture. Eastwood’s wife offers to take it, but Ellen ignores her for Steven Spielberg. Ouch.
10:13- One of the nominees has the last name Pfister. Everyone laughs.
10:14- Pan’s Labyrinth wins for Best Cinematography. Everyone stares at me, as I launch into an angry rant about how Children of Men was screwed. I’m very passionate about my cinematography.
10:15- The director and cinematographer of Pan’s Labryinth are both named Guillermo. I guess that’s like John in Mexico.
10:16- They just did an interpretive dance…to Little Miss Sunshine! I hate the Oscars.
10:20- Robert Downey, Jr. is out. Cue the drug joke.
10:20- Oh. He just made one himself.
10:23- While the Pirates of the Caribbean guys are accepting their award for Best Visual Effects, the director chooses to keep the camera on a bored Beyonce.
10:23- Ken Watanbe and Catherine Devenue are your Official 2007 Oscar Odd Couple Present Team.
10:24- And no one can understand a word they’re saying.
10:25- A montage….to foreign films? This show is never going to end.
10:26- Here’s my issue with this montage. No one has seen any of these movies, and again, no one cares. It’s just more pointless filler to pad a show that doesn’t need padding. I hate the Oscars.
10:29- So after the Montage, they bring out two more people to present the Foreign Film. Oh, the Academy.
10:30- Here’s one. Pan’s Labryinth wins three Oscars, and yet it doesn’t win Best Foreign Film? That makes no sense.
10:31- The guy who wins Best Foreign Film speaks perfect English? Where’s my fun of watching the guy who usually wins mangle the English language? Apparently he grew up in New York. Boo.
10:33- Okay, the fact that they did a dance to Snakes on a Plane is mother(bleeping) cool.
10:34- Best Supporting Actress time. Can George Clooney manage to not be smug?
10:34- The clip they show for Abigail Breslin is just her screaming.
10:35- Jennifer Hudson deserves an Oscar for pretending to act surprised.
10:36- “I didn’t think I was going to win!” exclaims Hudson. Did she not read anything about the Oscars?
10:37- Boo, she doesn’t even thank Simon.
10:42- Eva Green is out to present the next award. She looks like she had her makeup done at a funeral home.
10:43- Everyone looks at me strangley as I explain my formula for picking the winner for Best Documentary Short Subject. This year we have: A doc about AIDS in China, a doc about people living and working in a garbage dump, a pianist who lost his right hand and a documentary about dancers. We decide that AIDS is worse then people living in garbage dumps. The logic being that you always have a chance to rise above living in squalor, but you have AIDS forever.
10:43- The AIDS documentary wins. I told you.
10:44- Jerry Seinfeld is here! Seinfeld’s bit on picking up garbage is funny, but again, the show is running so long that we don’t need more filler. Some of us have to work tomorrow!
10:48- The Dixie Chicks win at the Grammys a few weeks ago, and Al Gore’s movie wins tonight. You know, I think Hollywood might lean Democrat.
10:49- Al Gore gives an acceptance speech….even though he didn’t win an Oscar. This is the same guy who also conceded an election…and then took it back. I hate Al Gore.
10:51- Clint Eastwood is here to present a Lifetime Achievement Award. He calls Ennio Moricone a scorer. We determine that it should be a scoreographer. Microsoft Word determines that that’s not a word.
10:51- It’s almost 11, the show is running brutually long, so let’s get a montage to a guy who scored movies.
10:53- I think one year the Oscars should be nothing but montages.
10:56- Celine Dion??? This guy did the scores for some of the most badass manliest westerns of all time, and Celine Dion sings for him? I hate the Oscars.
10:57- Even Ennio looks bored.
10:58- Celine Dion continues to sing. I hate her.
10:58- What are her lips doing??? Go away Celine!
11:00- Guess what? Ennio Moricone can’t speak English! Wonderful.
11:00- The cutaways to all the confused people who can’t understand him is hilarious.
11:01- Clint Eastwood can translate Italian that fast? The man can do everything.
11:10- It’s time for the boring filler speech by the President of the Academy. Aside from the Oscars, what does the Academy DO exactly? The President must have a brutally busy January and February, but what does he do the rest of the year? What an easy job.
11:10- The fact that they mocked the annual presidents speech is pretty funny.
11:11- Kirsten Dunst’s dress is horrible. Does she get that she’s not an 80-year-old woman? Either way, it’s Best Original Screenplay time!
11:13- The description for the scene they show of the Queen is unbelievably pretentious. Overrated movie.
11:14- Michael Arndt wins for Little Miss Sunshine. Apparently, he was an assistant to Ferris Bueller. That’s sick.
11:16- The interpretive dance to The Devil Wears Prada is just….weird and upsetting all at the same time.
11:20- Jennifer Lopez is announced as an “excellent reason for a High Definition TV.” This despite her finally looking her age.
11:22-Jennifer Hudson and her falling out cleavage perform Love You I Do.
11:23- J-Hud (Are we allowed to call her J-Hud?) joins Beyonce to sing Listen despite the fact that Listen is a solo number.
11:24- That mysterious shadowy black guy in between Beyonce and J-Hud is scaring the crap out of me. Who is he?
11:24- Beyonce sings the hell out of Listen. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned out of a Best Supporting Actress nomination.
11:26- We get another choir as they join in for the weakest songs from Dreamgirls. Is it the same choir as before? When will people realize that having a choir doesn’t make your song automatically good?
11:26- Queen Latifah and John Travolta are out to present for Best Original Song. They’re not allowed to officially plug Hairspray so they subtletly do it. Either way, it comes off as a shameless plug.
11:26- Fun fact: One time in Toronto, I was walking by our local Scientology Centre and saw John Travolta inside. I told him I dressed up like his Saturday Night Fever character for Halloween once. He looked at me strangely for that, and I looked at him strangely for being a Scientologist.
11:30- To all of you who thought Dreamgirls was going to win for Best Song- A lesbian…who survived cancer…wrote a song about global warming….for a movie starring Al Gore. This is Hollywood. Do the math.
11:31- But really, when did this become the Al Gore Academy Awards?
11:35- Will Smith’s ears are out of control.
11:36- You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s almost midnight and we get ANOTHER freaking montage?
11:37- Okay, at least this montage does have Ricky Bobby. But Michael Mann putting his own movie in the montage is very tacky.
11:38- This montage is the most random montage ever. I think it’s about American movies, though I’m not positive how it all fits together.
11:41- Does anyone know what film editing is?
11:42- The Departed wins for film editing, making it very obvious that its got Best Picture all wrapped up.
11:44- Jack closeup #6. How did the Oscars exist before him?
11:45- Jodie Foster is out. “She looks really butch,” says one of my friends. Hmmmm.
11:46- It’s Death Montage time! Awww Don Knotts died.
11:47- Wait….Scotty died? When?
11:47- Anna Nicole Smith does not make the death montage. This despite her appearances in Naked Gun 33 1/3rd, the straight to video movie Skyscraper and of course: The Anna Nicole Show.. Somewhere, a judge in Florida is crying.
11:48- Robert Altman wins the coveted Death Montage Applause Award.
11:52- Phillip Seymour Hoffman is here to present Best Actress. Seriously Phillip, why wouldn’t you brush your hair for the awards?
11:54- Helen Mirren brings her pocketbook up with her on stage. Who does that?
11:55- They cut to Kate Winslet who has the “Am I ever going to win?” face.
11:56- Helen Mirren’s speech was terrible. “I present you…the Queen?” What the heck? Given that she’s won every award possible, how did she not have a good speech planned?
11:57- They just did interpretive dancing to the Departed. The Departed!!! I hate the Oscars.
12:01- As I’m about to note that Reese Witherspoon looks really hot, and that she made sure to look extra hot to stick it to Ryan Phillipe, the people at my Oscar gathering comment on how bad she looks. Apparently her bangs don’t work. This prompts a spirited argument about Reese’s bangs, even though I don’t even know what bangs are.
12:04- Best Actor time!
12:04- Peter O’Toole’s “Oh (bleep) I lost again face is tremendous.” The guy looks like death too. He knows he’s never winning one.
12:05- As much as I liked Forest Whitaker’s speech, it’s always unfair how everyone gets cut off while the major winners get to speak forever.
12:06- Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola are out to present the award for Best Director. You might as well make a big neon sign saying that Scorsese is going to win.
12:09- Yes!! Martin Scorsese wins!!!! This is truly a great moment. Great speech too.
12:11- Jack Nicolson is presenting Best Picture, paying off my Jack Nicholson closeup gag. This is his 7th time presenting it too. They couldn’t get anyone else?
12:12- Why is Diane Keaton presenting with him??? She was so bad in Because I Said So that she should be banned from the awards.
12:12- Oh, and she’s drunk too.
12:13- Your fun fact of the night- Michael Pena was in Crash, Million Dollar Baby and Babel. So if Babel wins, he becomes the first guy to appear in three Best Picture winners in a row.
12:14- The Departed wins Best Picture!!! The best film of the year gets Best Picture of the year. Perfect.
12:14- It’s hilarious that the Departed has an all star cast, with an A-list director, yet this random dude that no one has heard of gets to accept.
12:14- And Ellen DeGeneres gets to wrap it up. And we get confetti. For no reason. I hate the Oscars. But of course I don’t mean that. I can’t get enough of this bloated near four hour show.
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